An endorsement for brains, honesty and integrity

By STEVE BERLIN
Featured Blogger

The movement to make Steve Berlin - who has agreed to make mental health a priority in his administration - as the nation's next vice president got a boost recently when popular singer-songwriter Tim Butler endorsed Berlin's candidacy.

Butler, speaking from his home in Glenside, Pa., said Berlin is a great choice for the nation's second-banana slot because of his brains, honesty and integrity, among other reasons.

"The people need their public servants to be selfless, and Steve Berlin is the most selfless person I know," Butler, said. "In fact, he's so selfless, sometimes you forget he's even there, and that's what we need in a vice president."

Butler has been performing in the Middle Atlantic states for years as a solo performer and previously with the band Hoppers 13. He expects to release another solo CD in 2008. His music can be found at www.myspace.com/timbutler and www.timbutlermusic.com.

Berlin welcomed the endorsement and looked to Butler's nod as evidence of the traction his campaign is generating.

"Tim is a great friend and when it comes to his endorsement, he knows what he's talking about," Berlin said. ""I just want to say that if you are a real, neo-, pseudo-, minor, or flash-in-the-pan celebrity, know a celebrity, or look like a celebrity, there is ample room under my tent for all of you. Your endorsement would mean a great deal to America getting the high-quality, honest and thoughtful vice-president it deserves. Plus I might be able to get you gigs."

To contact Mr. Berlin for a speaking engagement, beer, date or a movie, reply to this e-mail or call visit him online at www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=731888126, or www.myspace.com/stevieb82.

Mixed messages from match.com can cause insomnia

By STEVE BERLIN
Featured Blogger

I do not and never have claimed to be some Don Juan, some prowling stud guy looking for women, so it is without shame or even embarrassment that I acknowledge my use of online dating services. I have tried several, as a matter of fact, and still browse from time to time. A service I am not using these days, though, is Match.com, which is part of what makes what I am about to say so troubling.

You see, recently, I got another Match.com come-on, but this was unlike any offer I had ever received from them - or anyone else - and it scares me. You see, the subject was : "We have too many women in Arlington and we need your help."

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with that? I mean, sure, I've joked about doing work as a hit man from time to time, but really, who hasn't? I'll admit to probably having broken some hearts over the years, but never, you know really broken anyone else's vital organs. And it's not like I've ever actually been solicited for a contract job, and believe me, as a grad student, I could use the money. But Match.com hasn't even made me a cash offer. Not even unlimited use of its premium services at no charge. I mean, how cheap are these sons-of-bitches?

That isn't even the sickest part of the whole scheme. The body of the e-mail states: "We created a marketing campaign to attract as many of the most captivating women to our site as possible. And it worked!"

That's right. Those sick people set a trap for untold thousands of unsuspecting women, luring them in with the prospect of husbands on the hoof or some such idea but really setting them up for something sinister. It's almost sounds like one of those Patterson cop novel books, "Kiss the Girls" or something.

So now I'm in a quandary. Why me? Nowhere on my resume does it say anything about this kind of work. I'm not even qualified to be hired muscle for anyone. But here we are. Do I take the job? Not really, mind you, but tell them I'll do it and then set 'em up with some kind of sting operation. That would be the right thing to do. Maybe I should just delete the message and pretend this never happened. That would be the easy thing to do, I suppose.

Crap. Good luck getting me to sleep tonight, all this life-and-death business. I was having a tough enough time trying to figure out some econ mumbo-jumbo in one of my classes.

Damn.

You want change? Try me ... for second banana

By STEVE BERLIN
Featured Blogger

The sounds of chains you hear at this time of year are dragged and shaken by the spirits of bygone days. No Marley's Ghost – Jacob nor Bob – but chains embodying the crushed spirits of Al Smith, Adlai Stevenson, and the Wile E. Coyote of American presidential politics, Harold Stassen.

Those who have known me for a while might recall my announcement for the presidency in 2000 (which was of course negated because I was a silly kid of 31), and my failed bid for the vice presidency in 2004. The latter, of course, included a letter to the Kerry campaign detailing my qualifications for the job. I borrow now from that letter.

It is thus that recently, while I should have been working on a pair of final exams, I announced my renewed bid for the vice presidency of the United States.

Somehow, despite all of the madness that has swirled around me since 2004, I have somehow clung to some shred of self-respect and optimism. Yes, the self-respect might in fact be a negative in a bitter campaign, but it is this same quality that enables me to respect others and to make jokes at their expense without getting too bitter about the obvious flaws of my opponents in public.

Skeptics may say I have no electoral experience, and to that I say, "Liars!" I was elected president of my fire department (uncontested) a few years back, and I served in the Temple University student council for less than a semester of my freshman year. Besides, the American people are my people, and in the words of a Jersey Shore office-seeker, "I am a people," so if I want change, then the people surely want change, and who represents change better than me?

What could be a greater change than electing a guy who has never represented the national interest. I mean, look at Dan Quayle. Yeah he was "elected" to the Senate, but come on. What's easier to take, the idea of VP Quayle one heartbeat from the presidency, or VP Steve? Exactly. And don't get me started on Spiro Agnew or Andrew Johnson.

Potential candidates for the big job are automatically contenders for my coveted position of second banana, so let's look at me vs. them and you can draw your own conclusions. I am not a "person of color," so I can't necessarily pull that vote to the party, but I tan pretty good when I'm outside during the summer. I haven't attended an Ivy League school, but I've visited a couple of them a few times. Besides, isn't it time we had someone at the top, or near the top, who went to a school with "real people" and not those rich, brilliant and well-connected phonies who join dinner clubs and secret societies and have significant others named "Muffy," or "Biff?"

I will solemnly swear right now and for all time: I WILL NEVER SPEND $400 ON A HAIRCUT. In fact, if I spend more than $20 (not including tip) I must be drunk or it's a gift.

I am not a Mormon, I believe in evolution as science, I do not think the market will solve all of our problems, I am not an evangelical Christian and have never preached the gospel of anything except where to find the best bagels and pizza. I am not even a member of any Christian denomination, but I can pass for Italian, so that's close.

Of greater importance to my future running mate, be assured I harbor no secret or unsecret ambition to be president, so I will never scheme against you. Heck, it's taken a week's worth of drive just to write this, so you are safe from me. I didn't even want to be president of my fire department, but no one else did, either, and I was drafted.

I also pledge to get Social Distortion and Joan Jett to play an inaugural ball. Or I'll at least try.

Over the next several months I shall reveal my positions on issues such as health care (inlcuding mental health care), military and veterans affairs, crime, the economy and education just as soon as I know what they are. In the meantime, my positions will mostly be sitting, punctuated by emphatic periods of lying down and standing.

So please, help make America a greater place, a place where the common man can rise to the seat of the second banana of the whole shootin' match. A job that allows him to make use of the varied skills of remote-control usage, reading and Web surfing! The very fulfillment of the American Dream as we know it!

John Nance Garner once said the vice presidency "isn't worth a warm bucket of spit," but I ask you, fellow Americans, who the hell wants a warm bucket of spit?

Begin a "Draft Berlin" campaign in your hometown and rock on with your bad self!

Sincerely,
Steve Berlin
Candidate for Vice President of the United States

To contact Mr. Berlin for a speaking engagement, beer, date or a movie, reply to this e-mail or call visit him online at http://www.facebook.com/s.php?k=100000080&id=731888126
or www.myspace.com/stevieb82.